It's late, I'm pissed off and someone needs to give me a fucking break

It's been a long time since I posted anything to this blog. With internet feminism it's easy to feel like everything has already been said, like you have nothing new to contribute. And to be honest, what I want to say has undoubtedly been said a hundred times before. But clearly it hasn't been said enough.

I wish for one fucking second I could make men understand what it is like to be a woman. Tonight, I went to a friend's 21^st. She wanted to go to a fancy restaurant and requested we all dressed up, specifically in dresses and heels. Heels aren't normally my bag but I can always dig out a pair for a best friend on a special day.

On the way back from our meal we had to walk up a pretty densely populated clubbing street called Park Street. You know, when you start a night like ours, you really shouldn't be taking bets on who is going to be the first target of some wasted guy with a sexist slur. But it's always the fucking case.

When we were halfway up, a guy yelled at my friend, 'You've got great tits, how about you suck on my balls love'. Two minutes later we got 'Oi, four girls for four guys, how about it?' By the top of park street a guy asked us for a lighter and none of us had one. He replied 'Oh, incredibly fucking helpful'.

This is nothing on what I've had in the past. When I was sixteen a guy who couldn't have been younger than thirty followed me through the park yelling 'How old are you?' when I (pretty naively) said 'Look, I'm only sixteen', he kept on following me, yelling 'That's legal!' until some other people turned the corner. I remember being beeped by cars when I was in my school uniform, kerb crawled when I wasn't older than fifteen. Harassment isn't just verbal: when I was 14 and stepping out of a shop onto Lewisham high street, a guy walked straight up to me and grabbed around my breasts, torso and the front of my jeans before promptly walking off into the crowd. Christ, I was thirteen when I first noticed a guy following me around the aisles of the corner shop, staring at my body, my tiny little-girl breasts under my jumper. It's terrifying. Most girls are forced to be aware of their bodies and how men view them long before they understand their own sexuality and agency. I certainly had to. 

Can someone please talk me through why men are this fucking awful? Because I can't say for sure, but I think I have a theory, and someone please correct me if I'm wrong. These guys don't say and do this shit because they find us attractive. They're not saying it because they think we'll be impressed. They're not saying it because they think it's actually a compliment. They know they're insulting us, even scaring us and the reason they do it anyway is because they know there is nothing we can do about it.

I'm a small woman. I'm short and slight and I'm not particularly strong. And tottering about in heels, it's pretty clear I'm not going to be able to run fast either. Guys yell this shit at women because they can, because we look vulnerable and they know we won't fight back. It's a power thing, an aggression thing, it's cowardly and nasty and violent. The last time I had the nerve to tell a couple of guys to fuck off when they literally growled at me in the street (in broad daylight, when I was wearing jeans and docs) I got followed down the street and had to cross the road to lose them. It's intimidation, it's harassment and I'm so fucking sick of it.

If you're guy and you're sitting here thinking this can't be all that bad, let me ask you. When was the last time you told your mates to text you when they got home safe? I wish to god that I was brave enough that the next time a guy hurled some of this shit at me I could turn around and make him wish he'd never dared. I fantasize about learning Krav Maga, and pulling a Buffy on the next guy who thinks he has a right to lay a finger on me or any of my friends. But in reality, I know it's not worth the risk. Because most men could hurt me if they wanted to. Whether you want to be, or think you are, men are fucking scary. And women have grown up being told the horror stories of the girl who was raped on the way home: we've grown up being told never to let ourselves be that girl. When were you ever told not to be that man?

I know not all men do this. My point is, enough men do. Every woman I know has had to deal with this, and it is fucking scary. We don't know who's a potential attacker and who is doing it for some 'harmless fun'. That's why it's so powerful. Because it could be any of you, and we're not willing to take the risk. I wish for one fucking second you knew how that felt.  

Bristol Bans Blurred Lines

(This is a piece I wrote for Bad Housekeeping. To read it in its original context, click here.)

On Tuesday night, the Bristol University student council passed a motion entitled 'End Rape Culture at Bristol' which proposed, among other things, to ban the song Blurred Lines from being played at Union organised events. In banning the song we've joined eight other universities across the UK who've taken an equivalent step. In the days running up to the council, debate online was persistent and divisive. I'd started to think we'd pretty much hammered the last nail into the Blurred Lines coffin, but now it became clear that there was something slightly more complex at play.

To be clear: I don't like the song Blurred Lines. I think it's gross, demeaning, unpleasant and creepy. The most recent spate of articles hailing it as a 'feminist anthem' are every level of risible. As far as I'm concerned, offering a women sexual liberation when it involves your own penis does not hold a great deal of sway, especially when followed up with the observation 'you the hottest bitch in this place' (however astute it might be). I'm aware that there are a lot of other songs just as gross and sexist out there, but I don't think there is anything wrong with people fighting particularly against this one: Blurred Lines has become a banner people can assemble under and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It has become a chance to make a stand, speak out and join the fight. If we're all just 'jumping on the band wagon' I personally really like where this wagon is headed.

But the controversy over this song appears to have moved on: from whether it's 'really all that bad' (it is) to whether unions have a right to ban it. Here's a selection of some of the negative responses I found to the motion online:

“It's probably not a feminist anthem but I agree banning it seems... a bit hysterical. It's pop. It will go away”

“Censorship is not the way forward. Banning a silly pop song is not going to end misogynistic behaviour. It merely compromises one of the most fundamental pillars of democracy and freedom”.

“Give me the liberty to know, to utter and to argue freely according to conscience, above all liberties”

and my personal favourite:

“It says in the Game of Thrones books 'When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say'”

These comments present the two main arguments that I've heard levelled against the ban: first, that it's a trivial issue, not worthy of attention, secondly that the action of banning a song undermines our fundamental democratic right to freedom of speech (the theme that dominated debate at the council).

Let us be perfectly clear about one thing. There is a huge, huge difference between cutting out Robin Thicke's tongue and refusing to put a megaphone in front of his face. I believe in freedom of speech. In fact, in instances like this, I'm infinitely thankful it exists so people can wave their stupid bigoted, misguided words above their heads like audible 'keep your distance I'm a total train wreck' flag. It saves me time and effort on a day to day basis. However, that doesn't mean I have an obligation to give their words any more publicity than they already have. The best analogy I can think of is would be that meeting someone sexist doesn't mean I have to invite them to my party on Friday. I'm not stopping you from expressing sexist views. I'm just not prepared to let you express sexist views in a room with all my best friends. They came here to have a good time, and it's my fucking party.

This is a distinction I've had to make a few times in my line of work. I book stand ups for a fortnightly comedy night. The world of comedy is still pretty male dominated: when I first took over from my male predecessor and called our venue to introduce myself I was assumed to be his PA. But slowly I'm trying to put my stamp on it, and for me this means filtering out stand ups and material that I find to be problematic. When comedians approach me for a slot I always try to do a quick scan of online recorded material, but the nature of our gig (free, friendly, informal) means we get a lot of first-time performers and semi-professional comedians trying out new material, so there's always an element of risk involved when a stand up stands up.

On the occasion that something unpleasant is said, I try to be as non-judgemental as possible. Comedy can be difficult to gauge; what seems clever and ironic in front of your bathroom mirror can sound completely different in front of an audience. In my experience, nine times out of ten a comedian will know instantly if they've crossed a line by the audibly weary groan from the audience. Sexist and otherwise discriminatory humour isn't just offensive, it's lazy and audiences are good at letting a comic know they deserved better for their attention. However, I will always try to approach the comedian after the gig, and discuss with joke with them, always giving them the benefit of the doubt: whether they intended it to be received the way it was, how they meant it, better ways it might be phrased. I make it clear that the joke, in its current form and delivery is not suitable for this gig. Almost every time, especially in the cases where the joke seemed completely out of line, the comedian responded positively to this advice. In these cases I shelve it and think no more of it. If they're defensive, unable to take feedback and unwilling to discuss what happened I don't book them again.

This does not amount to me trying to suppress their freedom of speech. I wouldn't dream of telling them they can't perform the joke, I don't make any attempt to try to reshape their views on what is and isn't offensive, because frankly I don't have the time or energy. I just know that I have to hold myself personally accountable for the performance that the 60 or so audience members saw that night, and I will take every measure I can to mean that this is not a performance where (for example) female charity workers are told that they would be better serving their community as prostitutes, where lesbians are told they all look like short butch women, where rohypnol is described as a 'recreational drug that gives you someone to cuddle at the end of the night' (all jokes I've had to deal with). You want to tell sexist jokes? That's great for you, but you're not telling them here.

When you offer a platform that will grant access to a group of people (whether that's the sixty members of my audience or the several thousand students represented by the Bristol Students Union) you have to be prepared to answer for what is said from that platform. Banning Blurred Lines might not end rape culture, it won't wipe out all misogyny. But it does send a clear message from the Union that people will take note of: this is not what what we do, and you will not hear it here. Alice Philips, the Bristol Student Union women's officer who proposed the motion, and everyone who stood with her to pass it deserve a party tonight. And I'm glad I know Robin Thicke isn't invited.

An Interview with Ursula Goldfinger

Today is the eve of ‘Equality Day’: an event planned, devised and soon to be put into action by sixth-former Ursula Goldfinger, for, but not limited to the students at her secondary school in South London. The idea, as described on the Facebook event, is simple:

“May 23rd might be warm… it might even be hot. If you are male and your school/workplace does not permit you to wear shorts, may I suggest slinging on a skirt? After all, they are pretty breezy, just ask anyone who's worn a kilt.”

Students (male and female) cross-dress for the school day: the aim isn’t to shock (although that might easily be the result), it’s to educate. When I first cast my eyes across the page I thought I had the gist of the thing. Challenge a taboo, break a silence, get students talking about gender stereotypes and expectations. It’s something my school definitely could have done with. However, when I spoke to Ursula about her motivations for putting on the event, the story ran deeper than I had expected.

“I only joined this school in sixth form, and the school was always proud of how liberal it was. But then in assembly, there were all these messages [girls] were getting about how short our skirts could be and what was and wasn’t ‘appropriate’ to wear. And I found myself kind of confused and angry without really being able to explain why.”

Defining ‘appropriateness’ is something schools, and indeed teachers are famous for. I’m reminded of my own (all girls) sixth form, where we had a ‘smart-casual’ dress code with some curiously prescriptive rules: No tight trousers, leggings must be covered to three quarter thigh, no skirts more than 2 inches above knee length, no sundresses or strappy tops, no exposed shoulders, no visible cleavage. We were told, pretty much explicitly, not just what counted as ‘sexual’ dress, but that it merited someone else’s judgement. We had our own sexuality defined for us, and then we were told we’d be punished for it.

But this isn’t just a problem facing women and girls, as Ursula is quick to point out. Clothes are prescribed for boys too, possibly even more. Girls have more freedom in fashion because it’s acceptable for women to identify in ways as ‘masculine’: by wearing trousers, shirts, cutting their hair short. In contrast, a guy identifying with clothing or general visual attributes typically seen as ‘feminine’ is going to get an unfavourable reaction from the public at large, particularly, I might tentatively say, at school. Because, as Madonna famously (and awesomely) said,

"Girl can wear jeans
 And cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots
'Cause it's OK to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
 'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading"

Schools have the capacity to shape us and define us as people. And so far the standard message being handed out is an incredibly old fashioned one: boys dress one way, girls dress another. What’s acceptable for one group won’t be acceptable for another. Girls’ bodies are sexual, and sexuality has to be kept hidden. Your clothes are a reflection of the school, so they don’t get to be a reflection of you.

This is what Ursula wants to combat. What she thinks her school isn’t giving its students is a “specific education in being yourself. Or how to liberate yourself. We’re not being given any understanding of our own freedom, or self-expression”. Institutions of learning, particularly for young people, should be teaching young people that it is okay to stray from the usual definition of ‘gender-normal’. They should be teaching them that they deserve to be free to explore how they want to look, dress and identify. In short, they should be leading the way for gender equality, instead of tailing behind a movement that’s been sitting on the internet waiting to be discovered by young, disenfranchised people like Ursula and myself and hundreds of others for years now.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t look like it’s going to happen anytime soon, so Ursula has taken matters into her own hands. “I’m not expecting it to be huge”, she says. “A few of people have come up to me and said that they support the idea but they’re not going to come in to school in a skirt. But then I’ve had messages from people saying that they’re supporting because they’ve been thinking all the same stuff for ages and we’re finally making these connections between people who just haven’t been saying anything. I think the main thing is we just want people to think, and if just a couple of people go away with a different perspective on it then that’s a good thing.”

On the event, Ursula states that “Change begins with education”: as we round off our interview, she tells me, “I organised this as a one day thing, but really we shouldn’t just have one day a year when we can be ourselves and dress how we want. That should be how things always are”. Ursula, and everyone who participates in Equality Day tomorrow, will definitely be delivering some kind of education to their peers and teachers. My fingers are crossed that they’ll be ready for it.

Equality Day takes place on the 23 rd May 2013. To find out more or take part, please join the facebook group: http://www.facebook.com/events/119446461587150/?fref=ts

Something I am so sick of hearing it makes me even more angry than I usually am

I don’t think there’s a word in the English language at the moment that can piss me off more than ‘slut’. Not just because it’s nasty, not just because it’s a tool for shaming and disarming women, but because it is not always used by the people you would expect.

I’m not talking about obvious sexists. I’m not talking about the guys who yell at you from cars or try to grope you in clubs and then call you a slut when you calmly and considerately reject their advances.  For people like that, I tend to think it’s  just a sort of auditory ‘stupid sexist wanker’ badge that they’re choosing to wear so we can all keep a safe distance. It’s like a public health warning.

The people I am talking about are the clever, interesting, self-possessed and well informed men and women of my own acquaintance. They know about sexism. They know it exists. They would never in a million years wish to contribute it. But they can, and they will label someone a slut without blinking.

This is an argument I have had too many times. I never, ever, ever want to have to have it again. So here is the guide to the ‘slut talk’ as I like to call it. Read it well and employ it when needed.

(It’s probably worth saying here that I am talking about the word slut being leveled as an insult. Read: “she’s dressed like a total slut”, “have you seen my ex is seeing this total slut now”, “well she’s hot but I wouldn't fuck a slut” (all statements I have heard within the last year).  For the most hilarious, positive and acceptable way of using ‘slut’ see 0.55 of this: )

So, your friend, colleague, casual acquaintance or employer has dropped the ‘S’ bomb, and you've called them out on it. They’re looking defensive and annoyed. No one likes being told they've done something unacceptable. Perhaps an awed hush has fallen over the room at your audacity. Perhaps there is some weak, nervous laughter.  DO NOT BE ALARMED. This is what you’re likely to come up against, and how you respond:

1. ‘But she’s had sex with loads of people’

There is every possibility she has. The amount of sex that this person has had may be, to your eyes, inadvisable, unnecessary or even unsafe. But just to clarify, that is absolutely none of your business. I’m sorry but this girl could spend 22 hours a day getting laid if she wanted and it would still have nothing to do with you. Honestly, if you are that offended by the idea that someone is having more sex than you would rate as optimum, you are thinking about it too much. Go focus on your own genitalia instead and we might all be a lot happier.

2.‘Well I would call a guy a slut’

Oh my god. This person’s solved it all! You took a word invented to judge and shame half of the population and now you’re using it for everybody! That’s real equality right there.  Making everybody feel like total shit, instead of just the ladies. Except that’s not true. Because honestly, guys don’t really get called sluts, and if they do it’s never carrying the same stigma, shame and embarrassment as it does with a girl. Being called a man- slut is still the same badge of pride as being called a ‘player’. A double standard is a lot more than the words that communicate it, and you’re not going to break it down by applying negative, misogynistic and outdated standards to men as well as women. Cut it out altogether.

3. ‘She’s having the wrong kind of sex. Like bad sex. She’s doing the sex badly’

This is where the real argument starts. A lot of people think this is the right application of the word ‘slut’: if a girl is cheating on someone, sleeping round in a way that is ‘disregardful of other people’s feelings’, having sex with the guy her best friend likes, just generally using her vagina like a weapon of war. That’s ‘bad sex’. And that’s when it’s acceptable, apparently, to call a girl a slut. This is where it gets tricky because this use of slut is an emotional thing. It can come from anger, from feeling righteous and hard done by, for having no grounds to defend someone‘s sexual freedom: if someone’s feelings are getting hurt, then it is no longer ‘none of our business’.

I’m not going to sit here and pretend that girls can’t be total arseholes. We can. We have. I have. But I’m going to apply the good old fashioned sexism test to this one, and ask, what would you say about a guy who was acting in that way?

Bastard, dick, arsehole, good-old-fashioned cunt, wanker, twat, scumbag, piece of shit.

These are not nice words. But they also do not mean ‘loose, sex-crazed, Messalina-reincarnated whore-bag who can’t keep her legs shut for more than two seconds”. They pass judgement on someone because of their actions, they don't deflect it into a comment about their sexuality.

I’ve been called a slut (almost every girl has), and it sucks. It’s not just the word, it is absolutely everything that comes with it. When you level that at someone, it comes with this crushing judgement that is unfair and embarrassing and painful. It is a weapon, reeking of double standards and false expectations and just the general idea that if you are woman and you like having sex, then you are doing something wrong. It comes from a place of oppression and shaming that we should have moved on from a long long time ago, and it’s lagging three feet behind every other awesome step forward we have ever had feminism to thank for. And fuck that. 

Decisions, Freedom and Choice

The other day I spoke to a girl called Jess, who told me she wasn't a feminist. When I asked her why she said: “Because I just want to have kids and be a stay-at-home mum”.

Now these things are not by any stretch of the imagination mutually exclusive. Just because feminism fights for women's right to work and earn their own money does not mean that those things are also enforced. It doesn't mean that if a woman doesn't aim for these things, or doesn't end up achieving them, that she is any less of an awesome human being. It doesn't mean she's 'let the side down'. In fact, I always kind of thought that feminism was about not telling women what they should be doing with their lives. If there's a misconception that women who want to devote their lives to raising children aren't being 'good enough feminists' then that is wrong, and it should be addressed.

The whole awesome, feminist thing about what Jess said (although she possibly didn't realise it) was the 'want' part. When she stays at home with her kids it's going to be a decision, not a default setting and that certainly wasn't a freedom that women had 60 odd years ago.

That's what all our lives should be like: decisions, not assumptions, and that goes for men as well as women. There is absolutely no need for the expectation that exists at the moment that if a couple decide to have kids, it's mum who's going to give up work for the next six years and 'set up house'. (If anyone wants to deny this happens, take a look at Asda's most recent Christmas offering. It's like being smacked repeatedly around the face with a fucking Cath Kidston rolling pin with 'Know Your Place' carved into it).

Gender-enforced expectations trap people, both male and female. That's why I'd stand up for Jess' right to want to be a stay at home mum, but I'd also equally stand up for my friend Joe's right to be a stay-at-home dad, because I can almost guarantee that if he said that in front of a room full of people they'd look at him like he'd just announced his upcoming breast-enhancement operation.

If every couple made a decision, rather than an assumption of which way the breadwinner/child-rearer split was going to go, if there was no stigma or expectation attached to that decision, I think we would have the best generation of parents the world has ever seen. And they in turn would raise kids who didn't feel those expectations, those limitations of gender. The world needs people who want to be themselves, and the sooner we stop hearing what we should be, the closer we might get to who we really are. Feminism is about choice: and when Jess makes that choice, I don't want anyone to think they have the right to say 'it's just because she's a woman'.

(DISCLAIMER when I talk about the breadwinner/child-rearer split I realise that's not the only option. There are lots of couples who effectively split both responsibilities and that is also beautiful and lovely.)

EDIT: Should have made this clearer, but as has just been pointed out, there is also the option to not have kids. This post is just a theoretical exploration of the decisions of those who do.

First Post Goes Here

I'm a feminist. This doesn't mean I hate men, it doesn't mean I blame them for all sexism and for the less enlightened of you, no it doesn't have anything to do with lentils, bra burning or elected lesbianism (although sometimes I get close). I am a feminist because WHO WOULDN'T BE.

If you are in any doubt of what feminism means, let me fill you in. Feminism is the belief that women and men should have equal rights. That's in every way: in healthcare, education, employment, social and government representation, in the home, in the family, in the media, in sex, in comedy. The list goes on. If this strikes you as a pretty obvious notion then congratulations! You're a feminist too. If you're a guy and the term makes you feel uncomfortable, you could call yourself an 'equalist'. It's all the same thing. It's a name for a belief, and a belief which is important and strong and necessary.

SIDE NOTE HERE: For anyone who disagreed with the above ideas, stop reading now. I am not going to try to persuade you I deserve the same rights as a man. I know I do. Any trolling comments such as “It is EVOLUTION. Women are for sex, and men are the real humans, with intellect and stuff #stupidbitches” (that's actually a real comment to @EverydaySexism. Have a look here: https://twitter.com/EverydaySexism/status/305347112399405056/photo/1) are going to be treated with the contempt they deserve. Go away and try evolving.

Feminism seems kind of obvious to me. When you break it down, most people agree that women and men should have the same rights, opportunities and so on. It's just that some people don't really see the inequality when it stands. I genuinely think we've got so used to a world where it's okay to be a 'little bit sexist' that people have stopped realising that things are sexist at all. And I'm actually not just referring to sexism that demeans women,but the kind of sexism that works both ways. Gender stereotypes put everyone in traps and the sooner we can stop talking about men or women with certain unnecessary expectations in mind, the sooner everyone can feel free to just be themselves, whatever spot on the gender-linked identity scale that is.

I'm writing this blog because every day I'm encountering the kind of sexism that wears people down and makes them feel like they're no more than the names people label them with. A lot of the time it's a totally subconscious thing, and when you pick people up on saying something that 'little bit sexist', they get very defensive, because most of the time it's seen as a totally acceptable thing to say. I can understand that defensiveness, because I've felt it myself, and I'll give you a particular example:

Once, at a party, I was taking part in some big group discussion about something interesting and non-controversial and I described something that annoyed me as 'gay'. A guy in the group called me out on it and asked me if I really thought it was okay to use the word 'gay' in a derogatory and negative way. I immediately got embarrassed and defensive. It was a word that had never been commented on before, that had been used extensively at my school before I came to uni and, for me, had become almost meaningless. Also I knew that I wasn't homophobic, had a few gay friends and didn't mean it in a 'bad way'. But, as I protested my innocence, I suddenly got it: This totally isn't okay. Just because I'm used to saying this and have always said it, that doesn't actually mean it's okay. Someone who hears me say 'gay' doesn't know that I don't mean it: and the constant association of homosexuality with negativity is just wrong. I found some better adjectives and I don't use it any more. People don't need to defend sexism because they're used to it. And if we saw it for what it was, we'd all be happier sooner.

In this blog I'm hoping I can address a couple of things, and make a few more people feel like they can call themselves a feminist/equalist. It's a label with a lot of stigma and negative associations but it doesn't need to be. No one should have to feel like a freak or an extremist or an overly-sensitive-easily-offended-boring-person when they tell a group of people they're a feminist. All it means is, I'm standing up for equality. And I'm tired of feeling like I can't be proud of that.